Text Leveling System

Mrs Stoker is a Joker

RDQ:	982	Max Word/Sent	61	Total Words	3090		Diff Words	779
Lex	740	Ave Word/.Sent	6	Hi Freq occurs	2148	69.5%	Hi freq	340	43.6%
AR	3.6	Long Sentences	1.7	Low Freq occurs	157	5.1%	Low freq	91	11.7%

Surprise!
My name is AJ and I know what you're
thinking. You're thinking about ants. I
know, because that's what I'm thinking
about.
Did you know that a drone ant lives just
three days? Three days! That's its whole
life! What can you do in three days? That's ]]
not even enough time to go on a vacation.
Not that drone ants take vacations.
Where would they go? Next door? Some
vacation!
I looked this up-male mosquitoes only
live about one week. That's it.
If you were a male mosquito, I guess
you could at least go on a vacation for a
week. But as soon as you got home from
vacation, you'd drop dead. Bummer in the
summer! If I was a mosquito on vacation,
I wouldn't be able to enjoy myself because
the whole time I'd be thinking about dropping
dead the minute I got home. That
would be one crummy vacation.
My parents are forty-something years]]
old. That's really old. Well, it's old compared
to ants and mosquitoes, anyway. I'd
rather be a person than an ant or a mosquito.
At least you can take a vacation
without worrying so much.
The point is, I was in Mr. Cooper's class at
school the other day. We had just pledged
the allegiance and did Word of the Day.
"Turn to page twenty-three in your
math books," said Mr. Cooper.
Ugh. I hate math. When I grow up, I'm
going to be a professional skateboarder.
I won't need to know math. I'll need to
know how to do a kickflip. Why don't
they teach that in school?]]
But it must have been my lucky day.
Before I could open my math book, an
announcement came over the loudspeaker.
"Grades K through five, please report
to the all-porpoise room for a surprise
assembly."
YAY! (That's also YAY backward.) Surprises are cool.
Well, not all surprises. If I was walking
down the street and a zombie jumped
out from behind a tree and ate my brains,
that would be a surprise. But it wouldn't
be very cool.
"Pringle up, everybody," Mr. Cooper
said.]]
We got in line and walked a million
hundred miles to the all-porpoise room.*
The whole school was in there. I had to
sit between crybaby Emily and annoying
Andrea, this girl with curly brown hair.
I'll be back in a few minutes," Mr. Cooper
told us.
He got up and went backstage behind
the curtain. I noticed that a bunch of
other teachers got out of their seats and went backstage too.
*I don't know why they call it the all-porpoise
room. There are no dolphins in there.]]
Hmmm, that was weird.
"I bet the teachers are going to put on
a play for us," said Andrea, clapping her
hands.
"I'm sure you're right," said Emily, who
always thinks Andrea is right.
But the teachers didn't put on a play
for us. Instead, the weirdest thing in the
history of the world happened. Mr. Klutz,
our principal, walked into the all-porpoise
room.
Well, that's not the weird part. Mr. Klutz
walks into the all-porpoise room all the
time. The weird part was what happened
next.]]
All the teachers jumped out from behind
the curtain and yelled, "SURPRISE!" A big
banner dropped down from the ceiling ...
HAPPY 65th BIRTHDAY, MR. KLUTZ!
WOW! (That's MOM upside down.) I
didn't know Mr. Klutz was sixty-five years]]
old. That's almost a hundred.
Ms. Hall, our lunch lady, wheeled out a
big cake, with lots of candles on it. Everybody
sang "Happy Birthday." Mr. Klutz
made a wish and blew out the candles.
"Are we getting cake?" I whispered to
Andrea.
"Is that all you care about, Arlo?" she -
whispered back. "Cake?"
"No," I told her. "I also care about cookies
and ice cream and candy."
Andrea rolled her eyes. Why can't a
truck full of cake fall on Andrea's head? I
was going to say something mean to her,
but you'll never believe who walked into
the door at that moment.
Nobody! It would hurt if you walked]]
into a door. Doors are made of wood. But
you'll never believe who walked into the
doorway.
It was Dr. Carbles, the president of the
Board of Education! He's a mean man
who drives a tank, and he's always trying
to shut down our school. What is his
problem?
Dr. Carbles was all smiles as he climbed
up on the stage and put his arm around
Mr. Klutz. That was weird. Everybody
started whispering.
"I thought Dr. Carbles hated Mr. Klutz,"
whispered Andrea.
"Me too," whispered Emily, who always
thinks everything Andrea thinks.
"Dr. Carbles!" said Mr. Klutz. "To what ]]
do we owe the pleasure of your company?"
That's grown-up talk for "What are you
doing here?"
"I have an announcement to make,"
said Dr. Carbles.
"Dr. Carbles has an announcement to
make!" whispered Michael, who never
ties his shoes.
"Dr. Carbles has an accountant to
make!" whispered Alexia, this girl who
rides a skateboard all the time.
"Dr. Carbles has a mountain to rake!"
whispered Neil, who we call the nude kid
even though he wears clothes.
"Dr. Carbles has a muffin to bake!"
whispered Ryan, who will eat anything,]]
even stuff that isn't food.
"Dr. Carbles is going to jump in a lake!"
whispered Emily.
Everybody was buzzing. But not like
bees. That would be weird.
"I wanted to wish you a happy sixty fifth
birthday, Mr. Klutz," said Dr. Carbles,
"and to congratulate you on your retirement."
WHAT?!
Mr. Klutz was retiring? He never told us
that. He looked as surprised as we were.
All the teachers just stood there with their
mouths open. Everybody was in shock.
There was only one person on the stage
who had a smile on her face. It was our ]]
vice principal, Mrs. Jafee.
"According to Board of Education rule
number 456789," said Dr. Carbles, "sixty five
years old is the mandatory retirement
age for principals blah blah blah blah ... "
He went on like that for a while .
"Uh ... I've never heard of rule number
456789," said Mr. Klutz.
"Yeah, I just wrote it yesterday," said Dr.
Carbles.
A big banner dropped down from the
ceiling and covered up the first banner ...
. HAPPY RETIREMENT, MR. KLUTZ!
Suddenly, everybody started yelling
and screaming and hooting and hollering
and freaking out.]]
"NO!" shouted Michael.
"Say it ain't so!" shouted Alexia.
"We love Mr. Klutz!" shouted Neil.]]
"Don't go!" shouted Ryan.
Some of the first graders were crying.
Even some of the teachers were crying.]]
This was the worst thing to happen since
National Poetry Month.
"We wouldn't have thrown you a
surprise party," said Mr. Cooper, "if we
had known this was going to happen."
Mr. Klutz held up his hand and made a
peace sign, which means shut up. He took
the microphone off its stand.
"It's okay," he told us. "Calm down,
everyone. All things must pass. Maybe it's
for the better. I was going to retire in a few
years anyway blah blah blah blah ... "
Dr. Carbles grabbed the microphone
out of Mr. Klutz's hand.
"Okay, beat it, you rotten kids!" he
shouted. "Go back to your classes and ]]
learn something for a change!"
We pringled up and walked back to
our classroom. As we were passing by
the principal's office, I saw Mr. Klutz
taking his name plate off the door with a
screwdriver.
"Hey Klutz!" shouted Dr. Carbles. "You
have five minutes to clear out your office. -
And don't let me see you back here, ever!"
Dr. Carbles was rubbing his hands
together and saying "Bwa-ha-ha," which
is what grown-ups always do when they
plan to take over the world.
"At last, I got rid of that loser Klutz,''
muttered Dr. Carbles. "With him out of the
way, I can hire a new principal. A principal]]
who is totally incompetent. Then I can
shut down this terrible school."
Okay, I have two questions: Why was
Dr. Carbles talking to himself? And why
would he want a principal who can't go to
the bathroom?
That didn't make any sense at all.
Dr. Carbles is losing his marbles.]]
The Long Goodbye.
Everybody was sad that Mr. Klutz had
to retire. It was hard to pay attention in
Mr. Cooper's class while he was trying to
teach us math and social studies.
"Okay, everyone," said Mr. Cooper. "Let's
try to focus."
"Why should we try to focus?" I asked.]]
"We're not cameras."
"Not that kind of focus, Arlo!" said
Andrea, who calls me by my real name
because she knows I don't like it.
I was just yanking Andrea's chain. I
know what focus means.
When it was time for lunch, none of
us were in the mood to eat. We went out
to play on the monkey bars during
recess, but all anybody could talk
about was Mr. Klutz.
"I can't believe he
has to retire," Ryan
said with tears
in his eyes.]]
"Mr. Klutz is the only principal we've ever
had."
"And he's not even that old," said Alexia.
"Bald men don't look as old as they are,"
said Neil, because they can't lose any
more hair."
"I heard that when some people get
old," I said, "they get put on ice floes and -
floated off into the sunset."
"That's not a thing, Arlo," Andrea said,
rolling her eyes.
"It is too a thing," I told her.
"No way that's a thing," said Andrea.
"It's a thing!" I insisted.
We went back and forth like that for a
while.]]
"A.J. and Andrea are arguing
about what a thing is," said Ryan. "They
must be in love!"
"When are you gonna get married?"
asked Michael.
If those guys weren't my best friends, I
would hate them.
Andrea and I kept arguing over whether
or not it was a thing to put old people on
ice floes. Then I remembered that we were
talking about Mr. Klutz. He was a great
principal.
"One time," I said, "I got sent to the principal's
office because I was bad. I thought
Mr. Klutz was going to punish me, but
instead he gave me a candy bar."]]
"Remember the time he climbed up
to the top of the flagpole and got stuck
there?" asked Ryan.
"Remember the time he let us dye his
head like an Easter egg?" asked Alexia.
"Remember the time he married a turkey?"
asked Michael.
Ah, those were the good old days.
Mr. Klutz was nuts, but he was a good
principal.
"I bet we're going to get some boring,
normal principal," said Neil.
"Maybe Mrs. Jafee will be our new principal,"
said Emily.
"Yes," agreed Andrea. "When the
president leaves office in the middle of]]
the term, the vice president becomes
president. So Mrs. Jafee should be the new
principal."
"Mrs. Jafee is no fun at all," groaned
Michael.
That's when the weirdest thing in the
history of the world happened. A marching
band marched out of the school. They
formed a line on the playground and
started to play some song called "Hail to
the Chief."*
"Where did that marching band come
from?" asked Ryan.
"Rent-A-Marching-Band," I told him.
"You can rent anything."
*That was weird. It wasn't even raining.]]
Our custodian, Miss Lazar, rolled a long
red carpet out onto the playground. Mr.
Klutz came out of the school and walked
on the red carpet. Some soldiers came out
and gave a twenty-one-gun salute. Five jet
planes flew in formation overhead.
I didn't realize that changing principals
was such a big deal!
Suddenly, there was a weird sound in
the distance. I couldn't tell what it was at
first.
"Look, up in the sky!" shouted Andrea.
"It's a bird!,,
"No, it's a plane!" shouted Ryan.
Actually, it was a helicopter. It was
blue, and it hovered over our heads and]]
landed on the blacktop. Miss Lazar set up
a microphone for Mr. Klutz. We gave him
a round of applause.
"Thank you, students," he said. "It has
been my honor blah blah blah blah all
these years at Ella Mentry School blah blah
blah blah fine young people blah blah blah
blah carry on blah blah blah blah youth of
America blah blah blah blah future lies in
your hands blah blah blah blah ... "
He said some more stuff, but I was
looking at the helicopter. Helicopters are
cool.
Mr. Klutz climbed into the helicopter
as we all waved goodbye. There was a lot
of sniveling and sobbing and slobbering.]]
Some of the teachers blew their noses into
tissues.
Well, not exactly. They just blew their
snot into the tissues. It would be weird to
blow your nose into a tissue. How would
you get your nose back on your face?
The helicopter flew away. Mr. Klutz waved
goodbye through the little window. It was
the end of an era at Ella Mentry School.
"Well, I guess he's gone forever," said
Alexia.
"Wait a minute," said Ryan. "Doesn't
Mr. Klutz live right down the street? Why
is he taking a helicopter? He could walk
home."]]
"It's more dramatic this way," said
Andrea.
"I wonder if Mr. Klutz takes a helicopter
to the supermarket to do his grocery
shopping," I said.
"How did he get a helicopter, anyway?"
asked Neil.
"From Rent-A-Helicopter," I told him;
"You can rent anything."
Mrs. Jafee, the vice principal, came over
to us.
"Okay, everybody," she said. "The show
is over. Time to go back to your class."
"Are you going to be the new principal,
Mrs. Jafee?" asked Emily.
"Not yet," she said. "Dr. Carbles has]]
the final decision. Hiring a new principal
could take time. He will probably place
an ad in the newspaper and interview a
bunch of people for the job. It could be .
weeks or even months . before there's a
replacement for Mr. Klutz."
"I hope he picks you," said Andrea. "You
would make a great principal."
"I agree," said Emily, of course.
What a pair of brownnosers those two
are. Mrs. Jafee wasn't even the principal
yet and they were already sucking up to
her.
"It has always been my dream to be a
principal," said Mrs. Jafee.
That's when the weirdest thing in the]]
history of the world happened.
But I'm not going to tell you what it was.
Okay, okay, I'll tell you. But you have
to read the next chapter. So nah-nah-nah
boo-boo on you!]]
Meet Mrs.
Stoker
Only a few minutes had passed after Mr.
Klutz's helicopter flew away. We were
about to go back inside the school. But
Dr. Carbles came out and told us to stay
on the playground. That's when I heard a
weird noise up in the sky.
It was another helicopter! This one]]
was red. And it was heading right for the
playground!
"It must be our new principal!"
somebody shouted.
"I thought I would be the new principal!"
said Mrs. Jafee.
"Beat it, Jafee," said Dr. Carbles. "Go
count the spoons in the lunchroom, or
whatever it is vice principals do all day."
"Oh, snap!" said Ryan.
Mrs. Jafee stormed inside the school.
She looked really mad.
The helicopter hovered overhead for a
few seconds, and then it landed on the
blacktop. The rotors stopped spinning. The
marching band played that song about]]
hail again. We waited for the helicopter
door to open. There was electricity in the
air!
Well, not really. If there was electricity
in the air, we would have all been electrocuted.
But we were all glued to our seats.
Well, not exactly. We weren't even sitting
down. Why would you glue yourself to a
seat, anyway? How would you get the glue
off your pants?
Dr. Carbles went over to the helicopter
and opened the door. A lady stepped out.
She was young and skinny, and she had
strawberry blonde hair.
"I'd like to introduce the new principal]]
of Ella Mentry School," announced Dr.
Carbles. "This is ... Mrs. Stoker!"
We all clapped even though she didn't
do anything except step out of the
helicopter. What's up with that? Getting
out of a helicopter isn't any big deal.
"It's great to be here," Mrs. Stoker said
into the microphone. "Me, I didn't like -
school very much when I was a kid. I
always got punished for things I didn't do.
Like my homework!"
Everybody laughed. Mrs. Stoker smiled.
"No, I wasn't a very good student," she
continued. "One time, my teacher asked
me to write a sentence with the word
'lettuce' in it. I wrote 'Lettuce out of school
early."']]
Everybody laughed again.
"Hey, the new principal is funny!"
somebody shouted.
"Yes," she continued, "school was really
hard for me. In fact, I almost drowned
when I got my report card one time. It's]]
true. My grades were below C level. Get it?
Drowned? Below C level?"
I didn't get it. Only a few kids laughed.
Mrs. Stoker tapped the microphone with
her finger.
"Is this thing on?" she asked. "Hey,
nice monkey bars over there. I didn't
know monkeys were allowed in bars.
But seriously, kids, do you know why the
kindergartner crossed the playground? To
get to the other slide!"
"Ha ha ha!" laughed Dr. Carbles. "You
are hilarious, Mrs. Stoker. Welcome to Ella
Mentry School."
She told a few more jokes, and then we
gave her another round of applause.]]
As Mrs. Stoker was walking into the
school, Andrea ran over to her. Of course.
It figured that Andrea would try to get in
good with the new principal before anybody
else.
"My name is Andrea, said Andrea.
"Where did you work as a principal before,
Mrs. Stoker?"
"Oh, no," replied Mrs. Stoker. "I've never
been a principal before."
"So I guess you used to be a teacher?"
asked Andrea.
"Nope, said Mrs. Stoker. "I've never
been a teacher."
"A librarian?"
"Never."]]
"Did you work at the Board of Education
with Dr. Carbles?"*
"No."
"You must have some experience in
education," said Andrea. "What did you
do before this?"
"Oh, I'm a comedian," Mrs. Stoker
replied. "At night, I do stand-up comedy."
What?!
"Yes, I'll be appearing at Giggles Comedy
Club all week," said Mrs. Stoker. "That's
where I met Dr. Carbles. He was sitting in
the front row last night and he asked me
if I'd be interested in taking a day job as a
school principal. So here I am."
WHAT?! Mrs. Stoker is a joker!
I'm bored of education.]]

Subjective Criteria

Illustrations: No support

Dialog: Multiple speakers

Dialog: Broken dialogue

Vocabulary: More decoding/definition issues

Language: Few descriptive words

Sentences: Multiple phrases

Text structure: Blend of written/oral

Concepts: Concrete/Simple Social

Chapters

Footnotes

Features

Simple Plot

First Person

Topic

Teacher/Teaching

Jokes

Principals

*Schools & Education

Low Frequency Words

according	accountant	allegiance	announced	announcement
applause	assembly	blacktop	brownnosers	carbles
comedian	comedy	congratulate	curtain	custodian
decision	dramatic	drowned	easter	education
electricity	electrocuted	era	floes	formation
freaking	future	glued	gonna	grocery
hilarious	hollering	honor	hovered	incompetent
interview	introduce	jafee	kickflip	kindergartner
klutz	klutz's	lazar	level	librarian
loudspeaker	lunchroom	mandatory	mentry	microphone
mosquitoes	muttered	nah	national	nude
owe	peace	pleasure	pledged	poetry
president	principals	pringle	pringled	professional
realize	replacement	retire	retirement	retiring
rotors	ryan	seriously	skateboarder	slobbering
sniveling	social	stoker	studies	supermarket
tissue	tissues	vacations	vice	wears
weird	weirdest	wheeled	yanking	youth
zombie